- THE HAPPY MARRIAGE IS THE ‘ME’ MARRIAGE
- MARRIAGE IN CONTEXT
- SIGNS OF THE TIMES – BOTH INVOLVING PRIESTS AND MARRIAGE
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- NEW RESEARCH: EXCITING TRUMPS PLEASANT
For Satisfying Marriage Go Fro EXCITING Over Pleasant
Aron says couples should try activities that are new and challenging for both parties. "What maintains the sense of love and passion and excitement and connection, is that each of you is feeling that the relationship and the partner is making you grow, and giving excitement to your life, and you associate that with the relationship."
"If you go canoeing all the time, going canoeing again isn't that great a thing," says Aron. "If you go to the opera all the time, fine enjoy it, but if you've never gone to the opera and as long as neither of you hate the opera, give it a try."
Aron says beyond adding exciting activities day-to-day, you should also consider how you can help your partner grow in their long term goals.
"The things that affect you most are things that are new and challenging and exciting. In the long term though it's things that you feel you're growing from, that you have more in your life because of your partner."
Here’s the full article:
http://tinyurl.com/35kfhqp
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And, here’s the same researcher featured prominently in Sunday’s New York Times with emphasis on “if you want to show you love me, expand me”:
- Sustainable Love
THE HAPPY MARRIAGE IS THE ‘ME’ MARRIAGE
By TARA PARKER-POPE
January 2, 2010
. . . a process called “self-expansion.” Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. . . .
. . . The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?
Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting. . . .
For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/3xrvynq
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- MARRIAGE IN CONTEXT
This email exchange between an Australian wife and Bill Doherty is an excellent reminder that successful marriage requires a proactive stance (a taking responsibility for your marriage) AND also that marriage succeeds or fails in the context of our families. Her parents were so good handling her marital complaints – wonder how they did with her siblings’ marriages? - diane
Fri Dec 31, 2010
Dear Dr Doherty
I recently came across your book Take Back Your Marriage at the local library.Dear XXX,
I think you‘ve nailed a worrying trend; the consumerism of marriage. I could
see examples of this in the failure of friends and relatives marriages, such
as the husband who told his wife on leaving her “I no longer love you”, my
sister in-law who announced she’d left her husband and father of her kids
because “he ran the marriage like he ran the local cop shop” where he was
the police sergeant, and the friend who attended marriage counselling for
help with her relationship, until the counsellor assisted her partner in
telling her he was leaving! My friend was rightly UNIMPRESSED that she had
to pay for that session! Luckily my husband and I have a strong marriage. We
have the last marriage standing among our combined five wedded siblings. The
reasons for our success: I searched long and hard for someone that I felt
was compatible – over 10 years. He ticked the most important boxes on my
list of requirements BUT was not perfect in every way. Importantly, he was
game to take me on - I know I have weaknesses too. We met and were engaged
within a month, significantly faster than most courtships. I accepted his
marriage proposal on the following conditions:
1. At least one year’s engagement (to give me time to check his credentials and to fall in love with him), and;
2. Attending a couples communication course.
Then at about the fourth year of our marriage, I was getting a bit
disillusioned with him. There were a long list of annoyances, including his
approach to problem solving. For example, when he offered to defrost our old
fridge, I thought GREAT! That was until I saw him walking past with my
hairdryer! Fortunately I have a good and open relationship with my parents,
and during a visit from them, we sat down and I confessed to Mum and Dad how
my husband was annoying me and said I felt I’d be better off alone. Much to my surprise
my mother confessed to me that many of the annoyances I had, she had had
(and still had) with Dad. It was at that point I realised how men and women
are different and if I wanted to be in a relationship I’d have to get over
it. Which I did. We now make light of these differences. So it was really
thanks to my parents our marriage survived and thrived. Reading your book
made me realise that. So on our Christmas visit to them (we live in
different cities) I thanked them. I’d like to state that not all parents
make good confidents. The love between parent and child is unconditional
while the love between spouses is conditional - on their continued
commitment and good behaviour. Bottom line, many parents think their child’s
partner is not good enough for them. If that’s the case, they will not be in
a position to provide unbiased advice. On our Christmas trip to my husband’s home
town (we get around at Christmas) I discussed your book with my in-laws. I
suspect they’ve been providing advice to my husband’s two siblings on their
marriages, which both failed. I got a rather strong reaction from his
mother, which on reflection, may have been because she suddenly realised that
perhaps the advice she had given these two was wrong! Too late now and she
cried. But going forward I hope they will
support their children’s relationships, given that their children are
flawed...as we all are. So just wanted to write to you to thank you for
writing your book. If you have a spare copy, perhaps I can purchase one
from you? Kind regards, XXX, AUSTRALIA
Thanks so much for your marriage story. There is a lot in what you wrote that struck me, beginning with your wise decision to attend a couples communication course as one of the conditions for getting engaged. Knowing how to communicate is half the battle. The other half you arrived atlater: commitment to the person we marry despite the fact that he or she does not turn out to be our ideal mate (not best "marital service provider" for us). As you suggested, women in particular have to come to grips with the fact that he's not like their best girlfriend and never will be. (Not that this would necessarily make things work out for the best; lesbian couples in one major study had twice the divorce rate of heterosexual couples.) Your story of your mother's wise support for your marriage is another striking feature of your story--and the comparison with your in-laws is sad. All of this plus the therapist story from your friend--you covered most of my book in your note!
I'm happy for you and also sad that yours is the last marriage standing among the siblings. I hope we can make things better for our children's and grandchildren's generations.
I think the book is still for sale in Australia. Getting a copy to you from the States is a much bigger deal.
Thanks again for writing.
All the best,
Bill Doherty
www.drbilldoherty.org
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- SIGNS OF THE TIMES – BOTH INVOLVING PRIESTS AND MARRIAGE
1) Massachusetts: Bishop solemnizes marriage of two female priests
January 03, 2011
http://tinyurl.com/3a39p8l
2) Fr. Cutié: The Ex-Catholic Priest on His Marriage
January 3, 2011
. . . Cutié emphasizes that he's not against celibacy per se, but believes it should be optional, especially for parish priests, as it was at the church's founding. "Please, the first 40 Popes were married," says Cutié, noting that the ban on clerical sex and marriage was one of the many misogynist constructs of the medieval church.
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